Thursday, September 10, 2015

To The Little One I Lost Six Years Ago

Thursday, September 10, 2015




I was young back then. I was on my way to finish my last year in college. I was the typical student - study hard, live harder, play hardest. Yes, I take my studies seriously, but I believe that I need to have fun while I'm trying to accomplish what I need to finish. I was a rebel - with my parents pushing me to be on top, stopping me to have fun and be seriously serious for me to achieve what they want me to achieve. Never did I imagined having you at this early point of my life.

I played, I mingled, I met 'the other one.' The other one who brought you to me. The other one who made me feel most important of everything. I was his first, he was my 'first' encounter, if you know what I mean. I have been with different people before, but he was the first to let me feel this true butterflies - that eventually evolved into a kingdom of dragons - in my stomach. I have been with different people before, but he was the first to let me feel that I need to fight for what I want and what I love.

When I recently read this post on a blog, things suddenly came back to me. I time-travelled back to that day that you literally fell out of me, and I set my mind that you were just a usual first day of my red week - only heavier. You were bright, you did not let me feel any pain, so I did not imagine that this would be one of the worst days of my life. After seeing you, I just went on with my day, with my life, not realizing I already lost you. I already lost my first.

I asked your aunt - she got a little knowledge because she studied things about you, about the process of having you. I asked a nurse friend about you, she told me the same. My world once again froze. Knowing that I lost you and realizing just now that I lost you is one of my greatest heartaches. I felt you, I knew you were there, but I just shrugged you out and went on with my life.

To the little one I lost six years ago, I'm sorry. I was uneducated of how things are going. I was uneducated of what might have happened. I was uneducated of how it feels to lose someone like you. I had this gut feeling you were there, but I was too afraid to admit because I'm scared of what my parents will say and do to me.

To the little one I lost six years ago, I'm sorry. I was weak, I got held too much by my emotions and lost track of what's more important. It would never be easy going on with my life knowing that I should have you by my side along with your little brother.

To the little one I lost six years ago, I'm sorry. You might have been a boy, or a girl, either of which my love will never differ. You might have been the next topnotcher of the family. You might have been the next one to bring lots and lots of medals and awards to us. You might have been the next funny bone. You might have been the one fulfilling what I should have done back then, but because I lost you, you didn't had a chance.

To the little one I lost six years ago, I always will think of you and pray to God to recreate you and bring you to someone who's more deserving than me. I pray to God that someday, with the right 'other,' He will give you again to me, so I can love you the way I love your little bro.

To my little one, I love you. I love you, and you'll always be in my heart.


               





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12 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear that Mayu. Things happen for a reason. Come to think about it, Carlisle and you now have an angel watching over you. Hugs to both of you!

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  2. That's actually one of the most painful things about having a miscarriage - the so many what if's and what could have been's in a mom's head. It's just comforting to know that more and more women are getting out of the dark to share their stories. I also had my share of the same heartache. (http://www.jerelltabenoja.com/2015/08/the-story-of-two-little-kolokoys-angel.html) Although yours happened six years ago, I don't think the pain will ever go away. A mother never forgets. Hugs for you! <3

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  3. What a painful experienced! I feel you mommy. But it's okay, everything happens for a reasons. God has a purpose for everything.

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  4. I don't know what to say. Except maybe utter a quick prayer for you and your little angel.

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  5. I feel you mommy because I also lost my first child thru miscarriage. Haay, it is still painful but seeing my son Cloud, I know God has its own purpose.


    Followed you here. :)

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  6. I had a miscarriage too, so I'm supposed to have a 15 year old now.

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  7. My first pregnancy was not successful, too. But I've been blessed with two boys now. So God replenishes... :)

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  8. Aww.. :( Can I offer you a hug? Though you lost your baby, you've gained an angel naman in Heaven. For sure, he's looking after you and his baby brother. God bless you Mommy Mayu and Carlisle!

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  9. Sending you a sincere prayer. I know how you feel, I'm a mom, too.

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  10. Hugs, mum. it will never be easy to recover from such a loss + i can only imagine how you feel. Prayers of recovery to you + I do hope your little one will find his way back to you one day, one way or another. I know that he is happily looking down on you + his baby brother from his perch up in the heavens.

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